Feels like today
by Joosie
Summary: [COMPLETE] Her new life was perfect, two children and a man that loved her. That a phone call could destroy her world, was nothing that Abby had a thought on. Two classic ideas mixed into one. Luby, of course!
1. I won't watch you die

There's lots of "Abby goes into coma " and "Abby moves away" so I want to mix them together but this time it's "Luka goes into coma" and "Abby moves away". So it's a Luby D Ella, thanks for being there, for beta-read this story and for your support. If it wasn't for you, this fic wouldn't been created.

The lyrics in the end comes from Nickelback's Because of you.

* * *

"You lie to me all the time. All the time!" 

"What do you mean?" Abby retorted as she stood in the kitchen cooking the dinner.

"They called from the hospital today when you were out with Julie," Joseph said.

"So that means that I lied to you? I'm not working today, I told you that, and don't talk to me with that tone."

"Mum, they didn't call from your hospital. They called from Cook County in Chicago."

_"How are you going to do it now? With the baby and everything?"  
"I'm going to keep it, it's our baby and I want him to see the baby when he wakes up."  
"Abby, I don't even know if he will ever wake up."_

"Mum, did you hear what I just said?"

"I heard you, Joseph."

"Why did you lie to me?"

"Because...because I wanted to protect you from it."

"Protect me from what, having a dad? I wrote the number down if you want to call."

Joe stormed out of the room and into to his own bedroom, slamming and locking the door behind him.

"What was that about?" Lance, Abby's husband for the last six years, asked as he came into the kitchen.

"Someone from my past has shown up again."

"Aren't you happy about that?"

"It's Joseph's dad." Lance turned around.

"Are you sure? Sounds like it's not good news then."

"Nope, it's bad news, I think. We haven't talked much about him much, you and I."

"I know, you made it fairly clear that you didn't want to talk about him. About him or your past. What are you going to do now?"

"I need to call the hospital and see what they want first." Abby said and opened the fridge to get some carrots.

"Hospital? You know Abby, sometimes I don't understand what you are talking about."

"He's in hospital."

"He calls you because he's in hospital?"

"He didn't call me, it was probably a nurse, and besides, Joe took the call."

"You haven't heard from him in six years and now he chooses to make contact..."

"If you really want to know, it's been ten years not six. Lance, Luka fall in coma twelve years ago."

"So you're saying that Joseph's dad was, or is in coma and all this time you kept this from me? Thanks a lot Abby." Lance spat bitterly.

"Don't get mad at me! Luka fell in coma when I was pregnant with Joe. He hasn't seen his son. Our son."

"I can take care of the cooking part if you want to make that call now," Suddenly Lance was normal again, no bitterness in his voice.

"Thanks, I think I'll do that. I think Julie is asleep, just so you know."

"I love you Abby, you know that right?"

"Yeah, I know," Abby glanced at Lance and smiled, a bit surprised that he wasn't jealous, but on the other hand, who would be jealous of a coma guy?

--/--

Abby sat on the couch, thinking, with the piece of paper in her left hand and the phone in her right. She dialled the number quickly, quickly so she wouldn't bottle it.

"Hi I'm Abby Lockhart-Lashelle, I was told to call here about Dr. Kovac," she blabbered into the reciever.

"Wait a minute, I need to find his doctor," Replied the nurse, before she ran away on search of the doctor. A few moments later, a doctor answered.

"Dr. Stamler here,"

"Hi. I'm Abby Lockhart-Lashelle, I was told to call here about Dr. Kovac."

"Yeah, right. I know that you haven't visited him in a few years but you're the person he wanted us to contact if something happened, and something has happened. Something big." Abby glanced at Joe, who had just emerged from his bedroom.

"The last time I visited him was ten years ago,"

"I just wondered, if there's any possibility that you could come over to County tonight?"

"No, I don't think I could come tonight. But tomorrow is a possibility. I'm living in NY now so..."

"I understand, do you want to hear the news now or when you come tomorrow?" Interrupted Dr. Stamler. Joseph sat down on the sofa, he was crying, the tears pouring out from his eyes.

"When I come tomorrow."

"Okay, I'll see you then. Goodbye," he said before the line went dead.

Abby moved closer to Joe and put her arm around his shoulders.  
"Don't be scared," She whispered to her son, "Don't be scared."

_What if he's dead? What if he's awake? Why couldn't I have said that I wanted to know now? What if he is dead and tomorrow I'll have just travelled over half of the country, and he'll be dead? I think that I would feel relief if he died. But what kind of mother wishes her child's father dead? If he was dead, I could finally move on. Move on for real. I'm married to Lance and we have Julie too. But I never felt the way for him that I felt for Luka. Never. Now everything has just got so complicated. I haven't heard a word from him in ten years, not one word. Not one. Ten long years. Now suddenly some doctor calls and wants me to fly over to Chicago? Maybe it's because I haven't spoken to him, that I haven't seen him in years, maybe that's why I didn't want to hear the news over the phone. Why I want to hear it face to face. If he's dead, would my life, and Joe's, move on like before? Someone called and destroyed the wall that I so carefully built up to forget. To forget Luka. But the wall isn't completely destroyed. It can't be 'cause otherwise I wouldn't think like this. Then I would think something like, "Now his dead, finally. The only thing that needs to be fixed is my relationship with Joe." I still need to fix that, I doubt that we will be as close that we once were. He's too hurt that I couldn't, didn't tell him about his father. I think that I still lie about my feelings for Luka. Even to myself. I don't want to know really, my life is here. Here in NY with my husband and kids. That's right. Yes. But if that's the truth, why is it that the only thing I want to do right now, is to catch the first plane and fly to Chicago. __To see if he's alive._

* * *

**I won't stand around and I won't watch you die**


	2. nothing can keep us from falling

Thanks for those wonderful reviews and well, here's the second chapter!

* * *

**nothing can keep us from falling **

"What was his name?" "Kovac. Luka Kovac." Abby said, nervously. "I was told to meet a doctor here, a Dr. Stamler?"

"Dr. Stamler should be here any minute, please take a seat and wait." The whole ward was fairly quiet until a short doctor with no hair opened a door and walked towards to Abby.

"I presume that you are Abby? I'm Dr. Stamler."

"That's me. So what about Luka?"

"Who? Aah, Kovac. I think that it would be better if we could talk in an empty room."

"Sure," Abby nodded and followed Dr. Stamler into a revolting green coloured room with yellows curtains.

"I'm sorry that you had to fly over here and everything," "Just tell me, what about him?"

_He's awake." HE'S AWAKE. He isn't dead. He's alive. Totally alive._  
Tears started to run down Abby's cheeks and Dr. Stamler took up a chart.

"He woke up yesterday around two-o-clock. I assume that you are aware that he is weak and needs lots of practise and stuff to try to build up a new life for himself? It's been twelve years after all, and situations such as this are very unusual."

"I'm a doctor so yes, I understand. May I see him?"

"Sure, if you wish. We weren't sure if you wanted to tell him what has happened, so we haven't said anything. Anything besides that he has been in a coma, that's it. He's exhausted so I advise you not to expect him to be wake for the time being." Dr. Stamler pager stared beeping "I have to go now. He's in room number 314."

_Same room, 314. Thirty-nine steps from the elevator. The fifth door to the left. The door was so easy to open, and he lay there. Well of course he did, it wasn't as if he could stand up. He was totally unprotected, he was nothing but weak. Sure he looked a bit older, but you wouldn't think that it had been twelve years if you were to look at him._

"Hi." Abby whispered to the body that was Luka. He breathed heavily and had his head turned to the left, not against Abby "I'm sorry that I left you here all alone but. I couldn't live like this. I just couldn't take care of our son, watching as he grew up, while you were here, unable to see him. I'm so sorry Luka." Tears slid down her face once again as Abby took Luka's hand in her own. _Why am I crying? Damn. Won't that be nice? If he wakes up and the first person he sees is me, crying. But I feel such an immense sense of guilt. I feel guilty for leaving him here all alone, without anyone. I can't even understand why I left him at all._

"Abby?" Luka's voice was hoarse and unsteady.

"You're awake!" Abby gave him a hug and smiled. "Your belly is... gone."

_So many years of loneliness... it's been twelve years, ten since I saw him. How am I supposed to tell him that? How am I to tell him that our kid has been born, that I had another child and above all else, how I am going to tell him that I'm married again. Why didn't I ask the doctor to tell him that it has been twelve years? Why am I so stupid? _"

Yeah, it's gone."

"How... how long. How long have I been like this?" He motioned to his virtually lifeless form. "How long have I been in the coma?" Luka tried to find the words he wanted to communicate. "Just tell me Abby."

"Twelve years, sixteen weeks and four days, well three days actually. The doctor told me that you woke up yesterday." He turned his head away, so that he faced the window once more.

"You're married." Abby's cell phone started to play a sad melody.

"I'm sorry." she mumbled before she answered her phone.

"Abby here."

_ "Hi mum, it's Joe."_

"Hi, how is everything at home?"

_ "The house isn't on fire, so it's all good I guess" _The line went quiet for a minute _"When are you coming home?"_

"I hope that there'll be a flight I can catch tonight, otherwise I'll be coming home tomorrow."

_ "Have you met him yet. My... dad I mean?"_

"Kind of, I'm standing in his room right now. He's fine, I think."

_ "Okay."_

"I need to hang up now Joe, but I can call you later if you want to talk then?"

_ "Sure, you do that. Bye mum."_

"Goodbye sweetie."

"It was out son right?"

"Yeah, it was. I should probably go now," Abby said and continued with a lie, "The doctor said that you needed some rest" Luka didn't show any sign of response, so she sat down again "I waited for you, two long years. When I wasn't at work or home with Joseph I sat here. I visited you every day, every day in two years until I told myself that I couldn't do this anymore. We waited for a ghost to wake up. Joe and I moved to NY, that's where I met Lance for the first time. We got married and Joe got a half sister. That's my life story for the last years. If you will excuse me, I need to get out of here now. What I wanted to say to you is that, I never forgot you. Even though I have a new life now, I never forgot you Luka. I'll pop in before my flight back to NY."

_ I never forgot him. He was in my mind everyday. Every single day: the day I got remarried, the day when Julie was born, just every day. So I flew over to Chicago so see him after his doctor called me and he gets completely mad at me when he catches a glimpse of my ring. Why am I surprised? How on earth what did I expect him to react? Did I seriously expect him to be happy and say, "That's great Abby, when can I meet your new family, we should all meet up, maybe go get a meal or something?" I wanted him to say something like that. I wanted him to be glad to see me and to be happy to hear that I was happy. I guess I wanted him to be happy for me. It's strange, he's just been asleep all this time. Maybe it only feels like one night for him but for me it seems like an eternity. It was an eternity. Twelve years. But it's also my past now. Luka is my past. My time at County is my past. Where are we standing now? How are we supposed to move on?_


	3. How many special people change?

When I first started to write this story, I just wanted to write from Abby's perspective. But here's a Luka POV, what was he thinking on after Abby walked out from his room? This is Ella's POV to, without her wonderful ideas this story would be just a few sentences.

* * *

_It was so different to see Abby without her big belly, from the sounds of it, our son must be like twelve or something now? 12 years old and without every knowing his father. How did I let this happen? I was in a coma for twelve years and now she's married. I have to say, I'm disappointed. I don't know why I feel that way because seeing her was great, more than great actually. It felt great, she was happy and she smiled, but I can't help thinking "it should have been me she married," because it should have. Maybe I expected her to be at my side with our son when I woke up, after waiting for me for the last twelve years. She did. She did wait for me. Like she told me, "I waited for two years". She couldn't wait any longer, she just couldn't. I don't blame her, I couldn't ever blame Abby for anything, that's just the way she is. Was. She moved away and got another child. with another man. That's the thing that's hurts the most, the fact that she moved on. She moved on with a new man. I'm not angry, I always want the best for Abby. I only wish that "the best" was me. She moved on so the chance for us to be together again is like. Zero. There's no chance at all. When I fell in to that damn coma I lost my life with Abby, my brilliant, fantastic life, and now I have no-one, especially not the woman I love. What's the point in saying it? It won't make the blindest bit of difference to anything but, I want to say it, I need to say it. She's the woman I love. I love Abby, I always have and heaven knows I always will. But I can't, I have to stop, but I know I can't. I'll just not let her see what I feel for her, I don't want to make things any harder than they have to be._

_Who knows, it might all be alright in time? I hope so. My life would be better if I could see my son. I wouldn't even have to get to know him, just so I could get a glance, to see if he looks like Abby or me, or even better, a mixture of us both._

_She didn't drop in to see me a second time like she promised. So, it looks like I've ruined every chance in the world now. Good one Luka, you've outdone yourself this time. Maybe she's changed, not that I'd ever want her to change, after all change is what got me into this mess, but maybe, just maybe she can forgive me for leaving her alone._

**How many special people change?**


	4. This was our time

Here's the fourth chapter after an eternity, thanks for the reviews!

* * *

"Mommy!" A four year old girl in yellow pyjamas called as she ran towards her mum. 

"Julie, shouldn't you be asleep by now?" Abby sighed before lifting her daughter up and simultaneously dropping her bag on the floor.

"She couldn't sleep until her mom was home, believe me I tried!" Lance stood up smiling, and Abby noticed the goodnight story clasped in his hand.

"You're mommy's little girl aren't you?" She cooed. "Where's Joe?"

"In his room, doing his homework," was Lance's reply.

"I'll be right back Jules, go to bed and I'll come say goodnight in a minute."

"Okay," Julie yawned, taking her dad's hand in hers and trotting off to her bedroom.

--/--

"Hey," Abby looked at her son, who was doing his homework as he sat in bed, "it's always better if you do your homework at the desk." She said pointing slightly towards the table.

"I know." Joe said sharply, without taking his eyes off the books before him.

"Are you still mad at me?"Joe nodded slowly and closed his book.

"You never called me again like you said you would," he remarked.

"I'm sorry for that. I'm not blind Joe, I guess that you're still mad at me because of your dad," Abby said as she sat down next to her son.

"Mum? I want to know things about him."

"I don't know what you want to hear Joe. I mean, me and my dad weren't close, absolutely not. I don't know what is important for you..." Abby started.

"What he is like? What does he look like? I just want to know things that kids normally know about their dads," Joseph interrupted quickly.

"I don't know how to describe him. It was so long ago since we were together."

_Congratulations Abby, you just lied to your son again. You know exactly what he is like. Why don't you know how to describe him? He's Luka. It shouldn't be this hard._

"Maybe I could visit him then? If you can't tell me, I'll have to see him for myself. Maybe I can come next time you fly over to see him?" He inquired excitedly.

"Do you think that I should fly over there again?" Abby murmered, not sure if it was right for her to be asking her son such an important question.

"Weren't you planning to?" Joe asked, "You are seriously considering leaving him there on his own?" He continued, a look of shock plastered across his face.

"I... don't know!" Abby said, surprised at the maturity and content of Joe's words, "it just felt weird to see him and everything..."

"I want to see him mum. I want to meet my dad. Just because you weren't close to your dad, it doesn't mean I don't want the chance to know my dad."

"There's nothing wrong with that Joe. Sure, if you want to then we could visit him sometime but you need to sleep now and Jules too. I need to say goodnight to her."

"I want to visit him soon," Joe said as Abby closed his door softly.

--/--

"No… I can't right now, I just can't okay?" Lance hissed into the phone, "maybe tomorrow I will be able to at lunch or something. We aren't going to be disturbed then, I'll promise you."

"Hi," Abby said looking at her husband, who jumped at the sound of her voice.

"Uh... I need to go now. I'll see you tomorrow. Bye." Lance stuttered and ended his phone call, placing the reciever on the table. "Hi, it was from the office." He said quickly, gesturing towards the phone. "We were talking about the meeting tomorrow. Is Julie asleep?" He said, briskly changing the subject.

"Yeah, she is, after two goodnight stories that is!" Abby smiled.

"How was your day in Chicago?" Lance asked.

"Great. I think. It felt strange to be back there again, like I was in someone else life or something. Joe wants to see him, his dad."

"Is that a problem?"

"Yeah, I don't want to fly over there 'cause if I do, if Joe and I do…" She started.

"No-one ever said that you have to fly over there, it might be difficult to explain to Joseph but don't go over there unless you want to."

"I can't fly over there. If I do, I'll need to stay there for a long time. Luka needs to recover and I don't want to just leave my family here."

"This is hard, Joe should at least see his father but you don't want to fly over there and… I can't 'cause I didn't know about Joseph's dad until yesterday." Lance added sharply.

"I'm not gonna argue with you now."

"Okay then. Do you want something to eat? A sandwich?"

"Nothing." Abby said and her husband walked into the kitchen.

_This day was so overwhelming I really didn't have the strength nor the energy to fight with Lance. We will argue though, someone needs to defend Luka. I need to defend Luka. It's my fault. Everything is my fault, I caused everything. I ruined everything. I always ruin everything._

"Hun, can you answer my cell?" Lance said, "I'm almost drowning in water in here. I really don't like our new jug!"

"I told you that it wasn't the best jug that we ever bought" Abby called before opening the cell.

Before Abby could say a word a woman's voice was heard on the other end of the line.  
_"I never thought that you would answer"_ it said, _"I've three hours to spare if you're alone now."_

"Uhm.." Abby started before the voice in the phone interrupted.

_"If you want, I can come over now, your kids must me asleep by now."_ There was a short pause, then,_ "Wait, you aren't Lance, right?"_

"No, I'm not Lance." Abby answered slowly.

_"Who are your then? 'cause I think I called the right number"_

"I'm Abby, his...his wife."

_"Okay, well just tell him to call this number when he's finished with... with whatever he's doing for the moment." _The woman's said, and Abby noticed her tone change from a happy one, to a more hateful, disgusted one.

"And you are?"

_"Just tell him to call this number."  
_

"I won't unless you tell me who you are."

_"I'm Amber, his…his..." _The woman stammered, rambling slightly.

"His what? Co-worker? friend?" Abby interrupted.

_"Girlfriend."_ Was her response, then the line went dead.

"That Amber person was joking, right?" Abby said, her tone clearly uncertain.

"Who?" Lance asked as he stood up and set about mopping up all the water.

"Amber. I answered your phone, if you remember? She told me that she was your girlfriend."

"That must be some kind of mistake, are you sure that she didn't call the wrong number?" He asked, "and if she were my girlfriend, why would she tell you that?" He said smoothly, either he was telling the truth or he was very well practised at this sort of thing.

"So that was a lie? Abby pushed.

"So now you don't trust me? Thanks Abby, that means a lot!" Lance growled, "what kind of marriage is it when you skip off to see your ex-comatose-ex, the father of your son, leaving me, your husband, here, and then come back and accuse me of having an affair!"

Abby's blood ran cold.  
_What did he mean with "your" son?_

"You still don't deny it."

-

**I felt for sure last night  
That once we said goodbye**

**It was my turn to decide  
I knew this was our time**


	5. I'm fighting this feeling

I know that this fic is on summer break, it still is but my lovely Ella doesn't care. So here's a new chapter.

_

* * *

I never thought that I would be back in Chicago again. I never expected that I would move back here. That thought never crossed my mind. But yet I'm standing here, outside his apartment. I'm standing here like I've done at least a million times before now, and I'm thinking about how my life would have been if the car crash had never happened. That's just wasted time. Just like the marriage with Lance. Six years of wasted time. He admitted it, and I thought that I would feel more hurt than I did. Sometimes feelings lie, but not this time. Perhaps my marriage to Lance was an attempt to get over Luka. I believed that I loved him, Lance I mean. I really did, but the pain I feel since our marriage fell apart is different. It's not as deep as the pain I experienced twelve years ago. Things change and right now I don't know what to feel, how to act, or how to move on._

"Mum, can we go now? We've been standing here like... forever!" Joe whinged, impatiently glancing at his mum.

"Sorry, what did you say?" Asked Abby, her brow wrinkled in confusion.

"I want to go home!" He repeated.

"We're on our way home, Joe." She replied.

"Do you want to buy that apartment or something?"

"Why do you ask?" She said as they started walking.

"Every time we walk here you look up at the windows, like you're searching for something. Sometimes you just stand there for ten minutes and then move on like nothing has happened." Joe remarked.

"It's nothing Joe. Just forget about it." Abby said quickly.

"It's something mum, I'm not stupid!"

"I don't want to talk about it, okay?" Abby snapped sharply and looked at her son.

"Okay." Joseph grumbled and then went silent, his mind drifting far away.

"I just need to buy cornflakes and other stuff to eat before we go home." Abby said quietly.

-/-

"Is it where he lives?" Joe asked, he was trying to figure out why his mum always stared up at those windows.

"Who lives where?" She said, already knowing what the answer would be.

"My dad, you promised me that I could visit him. Do you remember that?"

"Yes I remember."

"So you've just avoided that subject for months, hoping that I would forget it?"

"Joe, I won't answer that. You know the answer already." Abby added as she picked up her wallet.

"Yeah sure, I mean I should be used to it by now: every time I want to know things, you don't want to talk about it."

"Okay, if that's how you feel, what do you want to know?"

"I don't know," He said. To be perfectly honest, he didn't really know what he wanted to know. He just felt so betrayed and so left-out that he wanted to know something, anything. He wanted to know his dad but since he hadn't been able to do that, he wanted to know all about him. "The same things as before, what he's like? Oooh, when can I meet him?"

_Did I just say that? Smart move Abby. Now I have got no choice but to answer his questions. Great. Okay, here is goes._

"He's..." Why is it so hard to describe him? It shouldn't be this hard. Let's start with something easy "You look like him, the same dark hair and same mysterious eyes. Luka's from Croatia, he was m..." _No that's too private; Luka can tell him that he was married if he wants to later. That's way too personal._

"He was what?"

"Joe, don't ask me questions right now. You wanted to know and I'm telling you. I'm telling you the story, for real now. Okay?" Joseph nodded slowly.  
"We almost lived in his house, you and me. Well, we still had our own apartments but I couldn't go home. I couldn't go to my apartment and sleep there, thinking that he was all alone. I had you but he only had us and we weren't there, it just didn't feel right. It didn't feel right at all. Luka was always so... caring. I woke up one night, hungry and pregnant, and I was moaning. He couldn't stand that I would happily eat something terribly unhealthy so he got up and fixed me some waffles in the middle of the night." She said, the memory making her smile and giggle at the same time, "I still feel bad for leaving him there, all alone. But I had no choice, the image of you growing up and waiting for him to wake up was just too much for me. I didn't want you to have that life, Joe. The only thing that we could do was move away from Chicago. I only realized that two years after he fell into the coma. I met Lance, we had Julie and we got married."

_That wasn't so hard. I just told him how I feel. Well, I didn't tell him everything, obviously, he's just a child. My child, and I have to protect him, not confuse him with my feelings. He wouldn't understand, I don't even understand._

"So that's the whole story?" Joe finally said as they walked to the El.

"Yes. That's the whole story."

"You never spoke about dad like that. Well not 'dad,' Lance. You never spoke about Lance like that."

"Like what?" _ooh, right. This isn't good. My son can read me like an open book._

"Like that." He said simply. He didn't need to explain, she knew exactly what he meant.

"Do you want to come with me to the airport and pick up Julie next week? Lance is coming t..." Abby stopped in the middle of a sentence.

"Hello? Earth to mum..?" Joe tried to make contact with his mum, but it was clear that her mind was somewhere else. Her stare was fixed somewhere straight ahead, at someone, someone familiar to her somehow.

_This can't be right. It can't be him. I don't want it to be him, but it is. His smile, his face, his everything, I just know that it's him. Does he recognise me? What does that matter anyway? Why am I thinking this? I don't want him to talk to me, after that last time. Great, now I'm lying to myself too. I just...want everything to be like before, like that day in the mall when we were hiding and looking on baby stuff for my baby. For his baby. For our baby._

"That's our train, Joe. C'mon" She said as she watched Luka get into the same one.

-/-

"What were you thinking about before?" Joseph asked as he sat down next to his mum in the almost empty carriage. There was only one dark haired man and an old woman seated there, apart from that, the train was deserted.

"When?"

"Before the El came, you just stopped in the middle of your sentence. It was kinda creepy..."

"I just. Never mind. My mind was just, somewhere else, that's all," She said, glancing around, suddenly aware that someone was staring at her.

"Sure that's the truth," Joe murmured quietly to himself.

-/-

"So do you want to come with me and pick up Julie next week? She's just staying here for a few days but it's something. Lance is just flying with her and then he and his...Amber are going to fly to the Caribbean on vacation," Abby repeated as they walked off the El platform.

"Isn't Jules going to go with them?"

"They, well Amber, want a private vacation," She said irritatably.

"ABBY!" A man shouted out, but Abby didn't stop.

"Shouldn't you talk to that guy?" Joe asked, turning around to look at the man who had yelled to his mum.

"How do we know that it's me he's shouting at?" Abby gushed, grabbing Joe's hand and pulling him after her.

"'Cause we are the only people on this street maybe?" Joe answered, a hint of sarcasm evident in his tone.

_He must be gone my now. How am I gonna explain this to Joe without getting him to hate me? I did the right thing by walking away. But... it wouldn't have killed me to stop and talk to him. In fact, I still could if he's still there. That would save me a lot of problems with Joe..._

"Joe, here's the key. You can go up with the food while I'm talking to him."

"Who is it?" Joseph asked, with a confused look on his face.

"Someone you don't know," she replied. Joe took the key and started to walk to the door but stopped just in front of it to look at his mum and the mysterious man.

"I didn't know that you're back in town," the man said.

"Yeah I kind of moved back here." Abby answered and called out to her son, "Go inside, I'll be there in a minute."

"Is he... ours?" The man asked. _Of course he is! Who else's would he be? You think that he's Lances'? Yeah, right._

"I guess so..." _Why did I say that? Smart. Very smart._

"You didn't come to visit me a second time," the man said quietly, and Abby detected the hurt in his voice.

"I didn't have time, with the..."

"No, it's okay. You don't have to explain, you have a new family now. It's okay, I understand."

"No, it's not okay." Abby anounced, "I hate myself for not coming back to see you, I'm sorry, really I am, but like you said, I had another family then. Now..." _Why am I telling him this? He doesn't have to know that I wasn't...good enough for Lance. That he was searching after something that wasn't me. Tears started to fell down on her cheeks. Damn, why am I this weak?_

"I moved to a new apartment after I left the hospital, it's not like the last apartment I had, but it will do," Luka said, ignoring her tears, "Life goes on, I can't erase what's happened, even though I wish I could." _He's saying those words, those words that I've repeated in my head a million times. Words that mean so much. _

"I should go now, it's late and Joe should get something to eat." She muttered._ I have to get away, this is too much_

"Can...Can I see him?"_ No, no. you can't. I'm re-building my life, for the second time in twelve years so no, you can't come in._

"Sure, if you're want. If you have the energy to walk up for all these stairs that is. The elevator doesn't work at the moment, and even when it does work, it usually stops every second anyway... The apartment is nice, but not the elevator..." She blabbered. Damn it! Why did I always do that when I'm was nervous!

"I'll make myself walk; I'm going to see my son. Right? That's got to be worth the walk." _That's good, he just want a relationship with his son, nothing more. Well, he didn't say that actually, but he's gonna talk to his son, for the first time, for real._

**so sick of this feeling  
but it never stops, never stops  
I'm still waiting  
and I'm stuck with this feeling  
will it ever stop, ever stop?  
you see, I'm still shaking**


	6. more then anyone else could

This must be like a new record, I'm updating the story again in less than two weeks. well, it's two weeks tomorrow. try to beat that xD Now, I want to say thanks to Malin & Ida too. not just 'cause you guys are the TV sect (we should be on our way to US by now. it's only **one month one week **and **five days** left) but also 'cause you're my geeks :D and to Cruella, Ella, who's my beta (and she wont tell me what she thought about the chapter, that's why her new name is Cruella). Lyrics in this chapter comes from Snow Patrols Make This Go On Forever

* * *

I really shouldn't be doing this right now. I'm not ready for this, I know that. But I also know that if I hadn't... this was my chance, and I took it. I didn't even know that she was back here. I hoped that she would be, I hope that she would come back. Every minute, every second. I always wished she would come back. And now here she is. Liar, liar. She isn't back, not back with me that is. 

_Please don't let this turn into something it's not_

Okay, what's happening? What am I doing? Walking. Walking up the stairs. Walking up the stairs with Luka behind me. He's actually here, for real this time, not just in my imagination, in my dreams. He's breathing, living, behind me, and on his way to meet Joe. His son. Crap, this isn't good. I'm not ready for this. Joe isn't ready. Well, he doesn't know at all so he certainly isn't ready, he's had no time to prepare. He just saw me at the El and decided to take the chance, right? It's not like he'd became my stalker or anything. No. He's just Luka. Luka... tall, dark and handsome... Luka.

_I can only give you everything I've got_

I can't think as her as mine. It's been twelve years, she's not mine anymore. Besides, Abby doesn't want to belong to anyone. That's Abby. At least that was Abby back then, that was how she used to be. She's married now, not a factor to be forgotten, maybe she has changed. Shouldn't her husband be at the apartment when we arrive? Great, now I'm walking into their perfect life and she'll be forced to introduce me as the father of her first child. But still, it doesn't look like she's having the perfect marriage. If you just glance at her you'll see, her eyes are sad – like they've been through a lot. Well, they have, – and the only time I saw her being happy today was when she talked to her son. I wish I could protect her from that, from being sad, from hurting. I wish I could protect her from everything bad. Wait, she said, "I had another family then" not "I HAVE!" There's a huge difference between those two sentences. Maybe she just twisted the words by mistake? Probably. Or maybe she isn't married anymore?

_I can't be as sorry as you think I should_

Stop. Turn around. Say, "I can't do this right now." It's easy, but still, I don't do it. I want him to be... I don't know what I want. I want to feel safe, I want Joe to feel safe and I want to be happy again. But that's not going to happen. I would never admit that I still have feelings for him. I would rather jump from the nearest bridge. Even though that's the truth. The real truth. I can live with it. I managed to build up a brand new life before, so it won't be a problem to do it again. Liar, liar. I can't live a whole life in denial, not again. It didn't work the first time, it won't work now.

_But I still love you more than anyone else could_

Breathe, you can handle this. Just a few steps left. You've walked longer than this before. This shouldn't be a problem. But it is. It is a problem. I can't move, I can't breathe.

**_All that I keep thinking throughout this whole flight  
Is it could take my whole damn life to make this right_**

"Are you okay?" Abby turned around after she noticed that he stopped. "Yeah, I'm okay. I just need to take a break I think, I'm not used to lots of stairs yet," He said as he slowly sat down on the step, shaking.

"Liar, you're not fine!" Abby exclaimed, concern blazing in her eyes.

"It's nothing to be worried about. This happens sometimes when I overexert myself. It only lasts for a few seconds and then I'll be able to walk again, I really am fine Abby."

"Let me help you," Abby said after a few minutes, reaching her hand out towards him.

"No, I'll be okay," He protested, trying to get up by himself. He did manage but his stance was so unsteady that he looked as if he was about to fall down.

_She laughed. It had been years since I heard her laugh. She caught me in her arms; she didn't let me fall down the stairs._

"Sure, I believe you. C'mon now. It's time for you to meet Joe"

_Suddenly I didn't felt like I had anything against this. It's time for change, good change. I hope this is one of those and if it isn't I'll know, we will know. I won't wonder about it for the rest of my life._

"It's the second door to the left," She said, breaking the silence.

"What…what should I say to him?" They stopped once again.

_She looks so calm, like this is something that happen everyday. I had to ask, 'cause what should I say? "Hi, I'm your ex-comatose dad"_

"What are you smiling at?"

"It's noting," Luka said, without knowing that it was the same answer Abby had given Joe earlier on that day.

"You'll figure something out to say to him, it won't be a problem," She said, "Well, first I have to explain this whole situation to him so he won't pass out," She said, trying to make a joke, to lighten the atmosphere, "just…I don't know where you should wait when I'm talking to him,"

"I can wait in the hall, or I could hide behind the curtain or a chair. I'm not that tall, you know!"

**_ This splintered mast I'm holding on won't save me long  
Because I know fine well that what I did was wrong_**


	7. wonder why you came

Thanks to Malin, Ida, Sara and as always my lovely Ella. I know that the lyrics are from the Grey's Anatomy promo, The Fray - How To Save A Life, but I just though that it would fit in here. Tell me what you think.

* * *

_Maybe she's divorced now. What other reason would there be? I mean, that she's back in town, why else would she be here? Boxes everywhere, only a few unpacked. I keep telling myself that this is going to work but it won't. Why would Joe have a reason to talk with me at all? He must hate me, even though he has never met me. I don't know what to say and she says that I'll figure that out. Right... It will be one of those awkward moments when no one is saying anything. And I was the one who wanted this to happen! Can't I just walk out of here? They are in the kitchen, I think. They won't miss me. No, I have to stay. It'll be over soon. Whispers, quiet conversations. Abby's voice, suddenly louder. A door slammed shut. I knew this wouldn't work._

_**Step one you say we need to talk  
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk  
He smiles politely back at you  
You stare politely right on through  
Some sort of window to your right  
As he goes left and you stay right  
Between the lines of fear and blame  
And you begin to wonder why you came**_

"He got..." She said, trying to find the right words to describe her son, "Confused. Upset. He didn't really know what to do and how to react."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be." _I don't want him to be sorry. There's nothing to be sorry for. I'm not feeling sad because Joe didn't want to talk to Luka. But I'm not happy either. Obviously. If he wanted this now, to see Luka, then it would be over, My time with Luka would be over_. "Do you want something to eat?" Abby quickly changed the subject.

"No thanks, I've already eaten." _She cooks now? Things sure do change!_

"Well, I have to make some food anyway. You can play with Joe's videogame if you want to. It's a zombie game and it's pretty funny."

"I like zombies," Luka smiled "It was a while ago since I played but I'll give it a try."

-/-

"Joe..?" Abby asked as she carefully opened the door.

"I don't want to see him now. " Joe simply said.

"Let's take care of that later. It's time for us to eat something."

-/-

"I think that I could beat you in this," Abby said as she came back into the living room. Alone.

"Yeah? I wouldn't doubt that at all. This is hard. All the new buttons to press…"

"It's not really that hard. I can show you if you want."

"Naah thank you but I think that I'll be able to finish this by myself," He said just as the character died.

"I wouldn't be too sure if I were you!" She teased, "It's just too…"

_She's close. Way to close. Focus on the game. Try to stay focused._

"Luka?"

"Yeah?" He looked at her and realized that he'd just ignored her.

"Did you get that?"

"Uh..I was thinking about something else. I..." Luka tried to say something, to explain why he hadn't been listening to her.

"What were you thinking about?" She asked.

"You. About how much you've changed. You're playing zombie games and cooking. I've only been here for a little while so I don't really know how much you've changed but still, you don't seem to be the Abby that I knew." _Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Not smart._

_**Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend  
Somewhere along in the bitterness   
And I would have stayed up with you all night  
Had I known how to save a life**_

She didn't really know what to say.

"I don't mean that it's a bad thing. It's just different and I'm not used to it." He stammered, "Sorry."

"Luka, you don't have to be sorry all the time."

_Great. Now I've created an awkward moment all by myself and Joe isn't even in the room. I shouldn't have said that. It's not fair on her. She has changed and I haven't. I'm stuck in the past._

"Mom?" Luka didn't need to turn around. He knew exactly who it was.

"It's Lance. He wants to talk to you over the phone. About the divorce papers." Joe muttered.

"Now?"

"Yeah. Before their vacation. Do you want to talk with him here or in the kitchen?"

"I'll be in the kitchen for a few seconds." She looked at Luka. She was clearly uncomfortable, and embarrassed. "I have to deal with this now. I need to get it over it. Sorry."

"I understand, don't worry, I'm not going anywhere." Joe handed the phone over to his mother.

"You know who I am right?" Luka continued when he turned around and realized that Joe was still there.

"You speak funny." Joe finally said after a few seconds in silence.

"I guess I do. Do you wanna play?" He asked carefully, shaking his hand towards the television.

_He looks just like Abby. With my hair._

"Sure," Joe sat down on the couch, and took the controller from Luka. He looked at the screen, knowing exactly which buttons to press... a skill Luka hadn't yet acquired. It was at that moment that Luka realised what Joe had said earlier.

_Divorce papers. Lance. Their vacation. Deal with it. Get it over with. She's divorced. On her way to be. She's…no. Don't think about her like way. I'm only here to see Joe. Nothing else. Liar._

After a while Luka stood up and wandered into the kitchen.

"Are you okay?" He asked her as she sat at the kitchen table, staring blankly at the wall ahead of her.

"What?" She asked, whipping her head around to look at him.

"Are you okay?" He repeated and looked at her, she had been crying and with just one look you could see that she wasn't okay, far from it.

"Yeah. It was Lance, he's just…" She stood up, looking around. It was just like the day when Sydney died. Just like the day when this whole thing started.

"What happened?"

"We're divorced. At least on our way to be. He was.." Tell him. Let him know. Let it out. "Cheating on me. Apparently I was working too much. Her name was Amber, the same day I came home from visiting you, I answered Lance's cell. He was busy in the kitchen. She told me before she hang up, that she was his girlfriend. And I was his wife. We weren't the best married couple but I can't really believe that he did that. I clearly wasn't good enough but she was. Now they're on their way to Caribbean and I'm alone with two kids. How did I let that happen? How could I leave you and run away to find a new life? It's not fair, you know."

_**  
Let him know that you know best  
Cause after all you do know best**_

_**Try to slip past his defence  
Without granting innocence  
Lay down a list of what is wrong  
The things you've told him all along  
And pray to God he hears you  
And pray to God he hears you**_

Luka stepped towards her and held his arms out. She stepped into his embrace and he hugged her, believed that she needed it.

"It'll be okay." He mumbled in her hair. "You're not alone."_ It's not like I planned this meeting to be like this, but it's something. She needs this_.

"I'm sorry that I let you down."

"Hey, you did what you thought was right. I'm not mad at you." She looked at him. "It's my own fault that I fell in coma, not yours, not Joe's…" and suddenly Luka kissed her gently, forgetting everything that had happened in between this moment and all those years before. A second later he realized what he was doing.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that." He said, smiling. _Why are you smiling? That's not a smart way to say 'I'm sorry'. Well, she said I'm sorry and smiled once. Now it's my turn. I wanted to do it and now its done_.

"You should probably go now." Abby said, looking confused.

"Yeah, I guess I should." He agreed, the smile no longer visible on his face. _NOT SMART. I wanted to but she didn't_.

_**As he begins to raise his voice  
You lower yours and grant him one last choice  
Drive until you lose the road  
Or break with the ones you've followed  
He will do one of two things  
He will admit to everything  
Or he'll say he's just not the same  
And you'll begin to wonder why you came**_


	8. and it feels like today

This is the final one. Two different lyrics this time, HIM with Death is in love with us & Rascal Flatts with Feels like today. As you presumably saw, the name of the story is changed. I loved the first name, your eyes don't lie, but it didn't really fit in perfectly.

Thanks to everyone, especially the people who read and reviewed._  
_

* * *

_And life moves on, day after day. What the hell was I thinking about? The earth doesn't circle around me. She needed someone to be there, to support her and what did I do? I kissed her! I'mgonna regret this every moment of my whole life if I don't talk to her. I need to talk about us, about Joe. I have to. There they were again. The same thoughts I've had everyday since I left her apartment six weeks ago._

"Hi, you've reached Abby Lockhart and Joe Kovac. We can't answer right now but you can leave us a message after the beep..."

"Abby, I know that you don't want to talk but we have to. I'll be at County today, to visit my physical therapist. I heard that you got your job back at the ER..uh..please just give me a call or come to meet me today. We need to talk."

_Since when did he get so deep? Like he knows what we need. But I know he's right. He's not forcing me to talk to him. He could have stepped inside the ER and made me talk to him, but he didn't. That's just so Luka and that's why I love him. Loved. Love._

Abby stood outside the ward and looked through the glass. Her eyes searching after his without any result. She walked inside and made her way towards the admit desk.

"Do you know where I can find Luka Kovac? He had an appointment here today," Abby asked the popcorn eating girl behind the desk.

"Kovac?" Abby nodded and looked around. "Yeah, he's supposed to be here in about half an hour."

"Thanks," She turned around and started to walk to the elevator.  
_  
__He's not there. Great. And now I'm walking. Walking away from the problem. Typical Abby. Trying to escape. Trying to forget the problem for another couple of hours, 'til my shift ends. Back into the elevator, back to work.  
_  
People rushed out of the elevator on the floor they wanted, and before long, the elevator became empty. Almost empty. But not quite. There he was. Looking down and lost in his thoughts.

"Isn't this your floor?" She asked.

He recognised her voice in an instant.

"Yeah, it is but I'm early," He said looking up, worry in his eyes.

"I know, I asked after you at the desk." She pressed the button and the doors closed. Silence. "You know that I can't do that right now. I have other things to think about now: Joe, Julie, the divorce papers, the old apartment, the new one, work..."

"They're just excuses Abby," He said softly, and Abby knew that he was right. They were just excuses.

"I can't rush into things now."

"Of course you can!"

"You were only there to see Joe. You weren't supposed to see me crying."

"I wasn't only there for_ him_," He said, his gaze channelling straight into hers' as the elevator doors opened and a few people stepped in.

"Abby! Lowman's going nuts down there! He's been paging you for at least twenty minutes." Said a nurse with her hands filled with charts.

"Damn! I told one of the new med students that I went on a break. The desk was empty for once. Can you tell Lowman that I'm on a break for another ten minutes please?" She begged the woman.

"I risk the chance of being stabbed if I tell him!" The nurse protested, but after one look at Abby's face she muttered, "Alright alright! I'll tell him but you owe me one!"

Abby responded with a smile and as the doors opened once again, the nurse hurried away.

Abby stepped out of the elevator and turning to Luka, she asked, "Are you coming?" He stood outside the elevator down in the ER, looking a little bit lost.

"Look, all I'm saying is that you're just trying to find excuses. I didn't mean to pressure you when I left that message, I thought it was clear that it was your choice. You didn't have to come today but you did."

She couldn't stand to hear him say this. She couldn't deal with this, it wasn't right. But if it was wrong, why was it exactly what she wanted to hear? She knew she couldn't just stand there and listen, she couldn't stay there with him, she knew what would happen if she did, so she turned to walk away. What else could she do?

_**  
I know it hurts too much  
I know that you're scared  
I know you're running out of trust  
And wishing you were dead**_

He was prepared for that though, he knew her too well. Luka grabbed her arm and gently turned her around to face him once more. They were standing in the middle of the hall and whilst the rest of the ER buzzed around them, they didn't notice.

"Just tell me what I should do. I know I'm stuck in the past. I wake up every morning and find myself seraching for you. You raised Joe, you got married and you had another child. I get that, I do. I wasted twelve years in coma and while I lay there, I missed everything..."

**_But in your misery  
You're not alone  
So, come share your tears with me_**

"Dr. Lockhart, can you take a look at this lady?" A med student asked, appearing as if from nowhere.

"Can't you see I'm busy!?" Abby cried. The med student mumbled a few words under her breath and ran away.

"Scary doctor Lockhart." Luka smirked.

"I'll be the next Romano." She replied smiling, "Okay, now it's my turn to talk." She dragged him in to an empty exam room and became serious again, "I had my life in NY and suddenly I got a phonecall. You were awake and everything came back to me. The memories, the feelings, the disappointment. I took the plane and visited you. I got completely confused and flew back. I got home and found out that my husband was cheating on me. I move back here. I see you. You kiss me. How was I supposed to feel? How was I supposed to react? I wanted someone that I could trust, not someone who would just kiss me when he wanted to. I wanted you to do it, but that wasn't the right time. It isn't like it was twelve years ago. I don't know what I feel or what's gonna happen next. I don't want to trust someone who goes away, who disappoints me, who disappears and deserts me. I want that person to be here with me. I'm afraid." Abby finally paused, knowing that she'd said everything.

"I'm not going anywhere," He said softly.

"Are you sure?" She whispered.

"I'm sure."

The door opened and a familiar voice was heard, "Abby, there are two GSW's coming in about five minutes, after a shootout in a high school. Could you give me a….hand?" The doctor's eyes came to rest on Luka for the first time, "Ugh... hi, Luka."

"I thought that you were supposed to be off now." Abby said impatiently.

"I was..but I'm covering for Madison, she had to go home to her kids or something like that." The doctor replied, looking sideways at Abby.

"Hi Morris." Luka said half-heartedly. "Listen, I've to go up to the therapist now but I can come down later. Okay?" He continued, facing both Abby and Morris fixing his gaze firmly on the woman he loved.

Abby nodded and dried her tears with the hand as he left the room.

x x x x x x

"...and the guy in exam two is waiting for a consult." Abby finished as she put the rest of her charts in another doctor's hand.

"Ready to leave?" Luka asked.

"Sure, I'll just have to grab my coat first. You can wait here if you want to."

This will be okay. Nothing to worry about. It will be okay, he said he's not going anywhere. Everything will be alright, maybe not now, maybe not tomorrow but someday. I just have to try and see how everything works out.

Abby came out from the lounge, smiling, and took his hand.

"I'm ready to leave," she said. His smile matched hers and they walked from the ER, where this had all begun, and into the future. Their future.

And it feels like today I know,  
it feels like today, I'm sure

_**It's the one thing that's missin'  
The one thing you're wishin'  
Life's sacred blessin' and then,  
It feels like today**_

_**Feels like, feels like your life changes**_


End file.
